Book Review - Sex and the Believer
Scenarios
Moshe Koniuchowsky’s book offers a few different scenarios of when polygamy would, in the author’s opinion, be the best choice for a family. I am sure that there are situations where all of the people involved feel that it is there best option, but the scenarios offered have flaws in the reasoning that I can’t help but address.Mr. Koniuchowsky is a strong supporter of the two-house theory of Bible interpretation. The theory states that the lost tribes of Israel, under the banner of Ephraim, have not already been incorporated into the body of believers known as Jews (they did not return with the Jews from Babylon), and that in the end times we will see Adonai raise up the descendants of Ephraim who will be brought back to the land just as the Jewish people have. This is neither the time nor the place to discuss the validity of this theory; I mention it for it is very important in understanding his first scenario.Islam embraces polygamy, restricting a man to four wives, but not restricting the age at which a man can take a girl. The “Islamic beast” is multiplying at a much faster rate of speed, raising up more children for Allah then the “people of the book” are raising up for Adonai. Soon their numbers will overtake the Jewish people and, possibly, destroy them. Therefore it is our duty, according to MK, that we raise up seed in God’s name. Speaking of those believers who understand the two-house restoration promise, and why he believes they will support plural marriages, he writes:
They see the potential for 4 wives, 12 children and 40 grandchildren, as their personal obligation to obey the Torah commandment for Israel to be fruitful and multiply, in direct fulfillment of prophecy, by their personal obedience.
Those with a prophetic calling to partake in the restoration of Israel by sowing Israel’s seed, the blessed seed, fulfill divine promise by filling the nations; they see plural marriage as the best and most efficient way to do their part in this end time national calling. A monogamous marriage model leaves the average Israelite with limited means of helping to fulfilling these prophecies.
Do you see the spiritual blackmail here? If we truly love Israel, it is our duty to marry as many wives as possible to produce as much seed as possible. If we don’t, then maybe we don’t really love Israel? And a monogamous marriage cannot accomplish this? Jacob had 13 children; how many women have produced that number of children without any help from other women? What about the woman in Canada who recently gave birth to child number 18? If these believers simply refused to use birth control, instead allowing God to decide how many children they had, wouldn’t that solve the problem as well?
The next scenario: “A widow has no children and is now destitute. Had she had a Torah based family structure with other righteous sister wives,” Moshe writes, “the other wives/widows would be able to care for her in love and compassion, as part of a family unit that YHWH ordained.” This argument is flawed due to one major factor: the childless widow is free to marry again and the other wives/widows would be in the same boat as the first woman, so they would not be in a position to help her.
What about a widower who finds himself all alone with no family to care for him? Moshe says that had he multiple wives, the chances would be better for him to have someone to care for him. I can’t argue with that statement. I can, however, argue with the need to refer to that same man as “being naturally horny the way YHWH made him,” and therefore in need of a new wife. Not all men think about sex all of the time and there are many men in senior centers who are only interested in companionship, not sex. My husband felt insulted by this statement, and I’m sure that he is not the only man to feel that way.
In a true Torah observant society this man would be well cared for, regardless of whether he had family or not. Neighbors cared for neighbors; unlike today where we can live next door to someone for years and never even know their name, back then folks knew all about their neighbors and helped them out whenever they could. Remember, caring for the poor is a mitzvah.
The next scenario must be read in its entirety; I could not say it quite the way Moshe does.
A widow who lives an Israelite lifestyle, but due to her desperation winds up marrying a Sunday keeper and finds herself in an unequally yoked situation; or worse yet, married to a heathen who denies Yahshua as the Son of YHWH. If she has a believing “brother in law - brother in Torah,” if she would only DEMAND that he obey Torah and add her as a second, or third wife, not only would her children be raised in the things of Israel, but she would have no need to look outside of Israel for a potentially dangerous spouse. A spouse has already been assigned to her by YHWH in His Torah and is none other than her brother in law. By so doing, she would make sure that her dead husband’s name would continue in Israel, along with the raising of his children in an Israelite heritage.
What if this brother in law is already married? Again we see the ASSUMPTION of mandated polygamy, as he states that she should demand that he obey Torah and marry her. Besides that, is this any way to talk about fellow believers in Messiah, simply because they have not come to the same understanding regarding Sabbath as Moshe has? I thought that the churches contained the lost members of Ephraim… yet now he states that they are to be considered as outside of Israel. Which is it? This is all very confusing to the reader.
Moshe K. now moves on to the topic of the “refrigerator wife.” This is a woman who “simply will not turn over and uses the withholding of sexual relations as punishment, or manipulation.” In this case, he states, a second wife would be just the ticket because then she will “have a friend who has relieved her of the stress and constant pressure to provide for her husband’s needs. She should be happier, since she is not longer being pressured to provide sexual services that she truly does not desire.” He then makes the valid point that adding a wife is better than cheating and having an affair.
What he has failed to address is the reason behind her behavior. Why is she cold towards her husband? Is it something that he said or did? Is it something that he should have done and did not? Maybe she’s been raped or sexually abused in the past and needs healing? Shouldn’t her husband be more concerned with what is troubling her than whether or not she will “put out”? Has he been so emotionally detached to her that she feels like he is a stranger to her? If he’s been abusive to her in the past, then naturally she would be cold towards him now. There are many other problems that come into play that would not be resolved should he simply add another wife.
Neither would the prevention of disease, as Mr. Koniuchowsky believes. It is common knowledge that cervical cancer is caused by either sleeping around yourself, or sleeping with a man who has multiple partners. Should one wife contract hepatitis while in the hospital, for example, she could easily pass it on to her husband, who would then pass it on to his other wives.
As for the feminist he quotes, all I can say is that feminism is contrary to God’s laws and therefore would not apply in a Torah observant family setting. The “working professional,” who while looking for a man, “doesn’t have time to play head games; she want to love an already established one,” has got to be the laziest excuse for a woman I’ve heard in a while and therefore does not deserve a good man, in my humble opinion. Anyone who is not willing to put the time and effort into a good relationship does not deserve to have one. It is that simple.
I touched on this in the first part of the review, but it is so horrendous, in my view, that it deserves a closer look.
A woman who cannot have children and is barren. Rather than settle for a “state approved baby,” or a “take it or leave it child,” that may not be her first choice anyway, she would rather have a proven godly man and woman and treat their children as her own with love, care and nourishment. Why take a chance on marrying an unknown and unproven man and later having to adopt children, if there are nay available that she likes and taking a chance of not being satisfied with what may be available to her? By CHOOSING a family for herself, she has the need for motherhood met by adopting a family whose children are already bent on serving Yahshua and have already been raised in the nurture and admonition of YHWH. If she were to adopt from an adoption agency, despite their best efforts, the child may grow up to murder her, as the child may be filled with anger and resentment. For this woman a polygamous situation is just ideal.
Having read this paragraph, my husband asked, “What is a state approved baby?” To be honest, I didn’t know how to respond. There is just so much wrong with this statement that I don’t know where to begin. How about this: what mother gets to choose her baby? Doesn’t Adonai make that decision? “Why take a chance on marrying an unknown and unproven man?” Moshe, every woman takes a chance when she marries, regardless of how “experienced” he is. That is simply a part of life.
I’m sorry, but this woman sounds very self-centered to me. In fact, most of the women in these scenarios suffer from this character flaw. A godly woman focuses on God first, her husband second, her children third, and herself last. These women seem to have their priorities skewed.
The other scenario I touched upon was that of the recovering lesbian. MK writes:
A recovering lesbian who now seeks a husband, but still desires a strong tie with a woman, with whom she can share and pray and seek YHWH about all her feelings. This woman not only needs a husband, now that she’s renounced the gay lifestyle, but needs a Spirit-filled FEMALE MENTOR. What better way than to have all those needs met in a loving plural marriage family?
I can think of a much better way, but that is only because I have actually sat down and spoken with a recovering lesbian. Many, many lesbians are that way due to the abuse of a man early in their lives. They see men as hard-hearted and cruel, caring only for their own needs, ignoring the needs of the women they supposedly love. In order to recover from that experience they need a man who is unlike any other they have met. This man loves them, cherishes them and protects them above all others. No one can mean as much to that man as she, especially another woman, for that would make him “just like every other typical man.” Besides, the last thing this woman needs is to be living with a group of women that she cannot touch, spending the rest of her life “servicing” one man!
It has been stated already but it bears repeating: Anyone who is not willing to put the time and effort into a good relationship does not deserve to have one. The last scenario falls into this category:
A couple admits to sexual problems. He wants more sex and she refuses, or she refuses to provide kinky sex. Unknown to many women, many men go to prostitutes for kinky sex, or sex that their own spouse refuses to perform. Another younger more open wife would solve that problem and the woman (wife #1) would only continue in the sex she desires and is comfortable with, with her husband.
A man is supposed to cherish the wife of his youth. This man does not sound like one who cherishes his wife; he sounds like one who uses her to have his needs met and nothing more. It just might be that the man has some sexual addictions that need to be addressed. Why should his problem be passed on to another woman? Once again it seems that he expects the woman to give her all for her husband:
One woman brilliantly commented about her willingness to allow her husband a second wife, or allow a second wife to share him stating, “Hey, if my husband is happy, I’m happy and I want him to be happy, so that I can be happy. I’d be a fool not to want him fully happy as he can be.” Now not all women think like that; but it is in my view a mature view, by a mature woman, who is comfortable in her own skin and realizes that the love she shares with her husband is so strong, that others YHWH has ordained (not strangers) can benefit from the plural COMMITMENT, all the while being a help mate to her husband. This woman realizes that the more sex the hubby has, the LESS likely he is ever to stray away into some form of non kosher exchange with a stranger.
Yes, she takes a very mature view this situation, but what about her husband? Does he desire her happiness with the same maturity, the same passion, as his wife? He too would be a fool not to want to see her happy, but is he willing to give up what she is? Would he be willing to share her with another the way that she is willing to share him? Would he be willing to be put on hold while she serves another? I don’t think so (even if no sex were involved.) Mr. Moshe K. seems to expect women to “rise above” in ways that he does not expect of men. Supermom strikes again!
Ok, I know this section is long, but I just can’t resist adding my own scenario. Let’s say that we have a young woman who has decided to become a “sister wife” and finds a man online that seems to be exactly what she is looking for. He already has two wives and many children and the pictures show a happy, healthy family. She drives across country to meet the man, and his wives, and they seem to be very well adjusted, although the wives seem to be a bit quiet. Since the man treats her well and the other wives seem to approve, she agrees to marry the man, only to discover on their wedding night that he is brutal in bed. He likes to do things that this little girl never even heard of and makes her do them against her will.
The next day the other wives don’t even look at her, let alone comfort her for they know what she’s been through and that it is only going to get worse. They feel guilty and relieved all at the same time because they know that he will spend most of his time with the new wife, leaving them alone for a little while. So, now what does this young woman do? She is stuck in a marriage to a brutal man and has no support from his other wives, having chosen this lifestyle in hopes of avoiding divorce. Now she has no hope of that either for polygamous men do not grant divorces.